LONG STORY short.

Back in Action.

2010-01-21T16:43:00.003-05:00

I don't want to forget this semester. Sure, it's not technically my last semester of college (hello, victory lap) but it's my last semester with my best friends. Therefore there are memories to be made and good times to be had. Hence why I'm bringing the blog back.

I still remember blogging when I was a senior in high school so it's only appropriate to end college in the same fashion.

End college. Weird. It seems like only yesterday I was ending high school. Man, time really does fly...

old.

2009-11-05T10:24:00.003-05:00

And now I'm 22.

I can remember a lot of birthdays pretty vividly but this one takes the cake - literally! :) My amazing housemates threw me a surprise "mocktail" party last Friday, so everyone was all dressed up and we had a sweet drink menu (sans the alcohol). There was laughter, lots of hugging and dancing - three of my favorite things. I would have been more than happy with just that but my friends are so darn amazing and they planned out another surprise for my actual birthday. Every hour, starting at 9am, I was given a square piece of paper with a letter on one side and a heartfelt note on the other. By midnight, I had racked up 17 squares that spelled out "Happy Birthday Liz!" and gave me lots of love.

Needless to say, I felt very loved. I can safely say that this was the best birthday I've had... hands down. :)

time flies...

2009-10-25T10:52:00.003-04:00

...when you're a senior in COLLEGE.

i think because i still feel so young, when i actually say what i am (a SENIOR in COLLEGE who is about to turn 22!) i kinda freak out. life has seemed really slow in the moments and days, but now as i'm looking back, i can't help but wonder how i'm already here. i can still remember being 10 and thinking how old high schoolers were (college wasn't even on my radar then). and now i'm at the end of my educational road. in roughly 7 months, i will no longer be able to qualify myself as a student. i'll be... an adult.

weird.

but i think the thing that really scares me is the idea of being the same person i started college as. there are changes i wanted to make in my life (and lifestyle) that i have yet to see and it's almost the end! this summer in fresno helped but it's so much harder back at school, where it's comfortable and i can just fall into my previous patterns and habits. fresno was just scary all the time so i had no choice but to move and change and be flexible. now i'm stuck in a rut known as "familiarity" and i have no idea how to get out. i think i'm that person who keeps doing the same thing, expecting to get different results... and i'm pretty sure that is the definition of "insanity" by albert einstein.

neat.

so now what? i'm aware. heck, i've always been aware. but is it time to change? time to just DO IT? i think maybe. but it's scary. every day will be hard. i know i'll get on a motivated kick for a few days, maybe a week, but then... it'll go downhill. i know this because this is me, how i work. i feel like a broken record and all i want to do it just pick the needle up off of the record and set it aside so i can work on fixing the cracks before i start playing again. but can you just stop like that? i don't think so. i think i have to fix while i play. i have to stop while i start.

where do i even begin?

2009-08-18T19:47:00.003-04:00

i want to blog but i have nothing to say. or, rather, i have too much to say. i can't even get my thoughts in order. i spent 9 weeks of my summer in fresno, california and then came home late last wednesday. this past week at home has been full of catching up with old friends, spending time with my mom, and shopping/packing for school. i've halfway moved into my off-campus house up at taylor and will move in for good tomorrow night. i still have practicum work to take care of and i know i won't get anything done at home. i want to fully settle into my house at school before the freshmen come.

i feel like i've come full circle. i still remember my first chapel at taylor, watching upperclassmen run at each other, screaming, to embrace with this incredibly intensity that made it seem like they hadn't seen each other in years, when in reality it had only been a couple months. i remember wondering if i'd ever be that excited to see someone or if i'd ever reunite with someone with that much enthusiasm.

and i know that this is the year for that enthusiasm. i can't wait for o-group stuff to start so i can see those friends, for the sunday of welcome weekend when the rest of campus moves in, for my first day of classes, and then for my first chapel. oh, the joy and hugs that are to be had in the next couple weeks!

things, people & places...

2009-08-06T16:41:00.003-04:00

...in fresno, CA that make me oh-so-happy:

1. my fellow networkers.
2. my awesome advisor, sarah.
3. wahoo's fish tacos.
4. seeing the mountains in the distance, especially when the sun is setting behind them.
5. my home-away-from-homes... all 3 of them.
6. how it's still hot even after the sun sets.
7. every day is a sunny day.
8. my fig garden dates with amelia.
9. my mix-n-match dinners with amy.
10. kate's hilarious and random accents.
11. my love/hate hand gesture with tyler.
12. hearing the phrase "but it's a dry heat" on a daily basis.
13. spending hours with junior high girls at target/starbucks/in-n-out/payless/barnes & noble/chipotle/burger king/thrift stores/jamba juice/the pool.
14. the pool in my host family's backyard.
15. my little twin "sisters" (caroline and katherine) and a my little "brother" (will).
16. my host mom, karen, who was more like a a best friend, big sister and mom rolled into one.
17. watching "the bachelorette" every monday with karen while eating cake and laughing the whole time.
18. staff prayer on tuesday and thursday mornings.
19. no mosquitoes.
20. no humidity.
21. first presbyterian church of fresno.
22. sierra vista mall.
23. seeing streets named "muncie" and "indianapolis."
24. how EVERY mall is an outdoor mall.
25. hearing how "cold" here is when it gets down to the 30s and 40s (with no snow, just fog).
26. how ridiculously easy it is to get my hands on a (ripe!) avocado here.

...just to name a few. :) i'm really going to miss this place. don't get me wrong, i'm excited to go home to indiana and back to taylor... i'm just leaving a piece of my heart here in fresno. which is why i'm coming back in january. :)

< insert creative title here. >

2009-07-28T19:19:00.002-04:00

the hardest part of every post is coming up with a witty title so i'm just choosing not to this time, mostly because this is going to just be a jumble of thoughts thrown out in no particular order.

so, i'm writing this post from a small coffee shop down the street from the house i've been living in all summer. it's called "the grind" and i tend to avoid it because local coffee houses are intimidating. i enjoy the anonymity of my beloved corporate starbucks, thank you very much. but anyway, i came here with my fellow networker, amy, and from the moment we walked in, it's been an adventure.

we open the door and walk in and everyone inside just stopped. and stared. it was silent. it was like the whole place had been talking about us. it was a serious flashback to high school, let me tell you. so we ordered awkwardly as everyone went back to their business and then we settled in to start working.

and that's when we heard the music. the music playing overhead is incredible. "lady marmalade" was first, then "brick house," "play that funky music," and now it's "superfreak." i don't know about you, but this is not what i think of when i think of typical coffee house jams. and if you add the fact that we're right by the bar where they make the coffee which means we can hear the baristas singing along to the awesome music and quoting saturday night live (more cowbell!), it's just quite the experience. so instead of being productive, amy and i have been dancing in our chairs and waiting with anticipation as each song begins so we can laugh some more.

anyway. the end is in sight. em and i will fly out of san jose 2 weeks from tomorrow. we only have 1 more full week left, which is so weird to think about. part of me is really ready to go home, to be back in indiana and then back at taylor a few days later. but i know i'll have to say some really hard goodbyes. i've made some amazing friends and fresno has become a second home for me so it'll be hard to leave - but i'm already planning on coming back in january to visit so that'll help the process. august 12 = bittersweet.

but before i leave, i need to catch up on my class. catch up on journals and evaluations... shoot dude, i'm behind. haha i'm going to be a procrastinator until the day i die. :)

so i'm off to attempt to be productive... we'll see about that! haha

happy camper.

2009-07-20T18:56:00.003-04:00

i spent this past week at camp. CAMP, people. complete with cabins and bugs and dirt.

and i loved it.

yes, you read right. I LOVED CAMP. anyone who knows me at all knows that i hate being outside and anything that comes within 10 miles of even thinking about being outdoorsy. but i think that might be changing. i mean, don't get me wrong - i still hate being dirty and think bugs are gross... but i loved camp. maybe i'm more of a "camp person" than i thought.

i figured out that most of the CE majors have "camp personalities" it's just that not everyone is cut out for camp itself. i think you have to have a "camp personality" to do youth ministry because there is just no room for being embarassed when you work with 13-year-olds. (i speak from experience.)

i learned a lot at camp. philly introduced the idea of "half thoughts" to me in personal foundations sophomore year and that's the only way i can describe what i've been learning. it's all half thoughts. i still have to work through them, figure them out, think them through. and one of those half thoughts is what to make of my newly found love of camp. believe me, i never thought i would have to think about THAT. :)

but that's just one of many thoughts i still need to process. i don't even know where to begin. but i had to at least announce that i loved camp, though i'm bummed that i can't be there to see the shock on the faces of those who read this and struggle to believe it.

did you know?

2009-07-08T12:34:00.002-04:00

...I love to sing. There are some songs that I turn up on the radio in my car and just belt out – letting my pain, frustration, or joy flow through the words. For those of you who have driven with me, you know this is true. I am the definition of a “car singer.” But I would never sing in front of people. I would never even consider it. I enjoy my car singing and don’t ever plan on taking it to the stage.

...While the actual game baffles my mind, I LOVE being inside a packed football stadium. The past couple of years I’ve had the chance to go home with my friend Ashley. We spend time with her family, enjoy the beauty that is West Virginia and take in a Mountaineer game. I can’t explain the feeling of that atmosphere but I seriously dig it. The energy of the fans, the cheering, the music… it’s kind of magical.

...I would love to get another tattoo. I’ve thought about getting a tattoo on my wrist - a simple, small cross - but have spent a lot of time going back and forth because of the placement. My brother told me after I got my first tattoo that I’d get addicted and end up covered with them but I think that might be a stretch… then again, I never planned on getting a second one. J

...I’ve spent the last year talking about how much I hate teaching. I’m relational; I’d rather sit at Starbucks and talk for hours than stand up in front of a bunch of junior high kids and talk about one of Paul’s letters. The thing I’ve been teaching this summer… and I like it. I’m kind of good at it. I have a lot of work to do and a lot of growing to do, but I think this could be something I could actually do. For real.

...I hate corn. I think it taste gross – and don’t even get me started on how horrible eating it off the cob is, getting all those strings stuck in your teeth… how is that even appetizing? Not to mention, there is minimal nutritional value in corn. So, essentially, it’s pointless.

...I hate talking on the phone. It’s incredibly frustrating, if you ask me. I can have this hour long conversation with someone and never see their face and worse yet: I don’t get a hug! I’d rather just meet up somewhere and talk in person. However, this summer I’ve had to just suck it up and get used to the whole phone thing, considering my best friends are at least 3 hours away from me.

...I love hugs. If you know me AT ALL, this one practically goes without saying. Liz = hugs. I can’t explain it; I just love ‘em. First of all, I won’t hug just anyone. I’m picky. Feel special if you get a hug from me, it’s quite the compliment. Hugs mean you trust a person, love them, enjoy them, are happy to see them – hugs speak VOLUMES. And don’t even get me started on how much I love hugs from my guy friends… those are the best! Those are the hugs that make my day.

realization.

2009-07-02T13:34:00.004-04:00

i've been in fresno for about a month.

WHAT?!

i've learned a lot, been disappointed, made new friends, been surprised and have been shoved right out of my comfort zone into a place that God has been incredibly faithful.

the thing is, i don't feel different. before i left for fresno, i would pray that i would return to indiana a different person, a person who is closer to being the woman God wants me to be. that prayer has continued since i've been here but i don't feel like i'm that much closer. i think some of those changes won't truly show until i'm back in indiana but i do know that some of the changes aren't happening because i'm doing what i do best - AVOIDING. instead of changing the subject and running away, i need to just suck it up and let God break me. clearly, this is easier said than done.

pray that i will stop, be still and seek God.

check up.

2009-06-30T17:35:00.002-04:00

i don't even know where to start. i'm thinking categories might help.

fresno.
i love fresno. i love riverpark (the huge outdoor mall 10 minutes from my house). i love fig garden (this artsy outdoor mall maybe 20 minutes from my house). i love the palm trees and the smog that makes the mountains in the distance look all hazy and mysterious. i love the sunshine and the rare clouds - i even love the "dry heat" and 106-degree weather. fresno is just so different from fishers. i feel like emily and i are constantly comparing california and indiana, joking about how weird california is because EVERY mall is an outdoor mall and how no one goes to panera here (some have never even heard of it, which is a tragedy, if you ask me) and all the street names that start with "san" - san pablo, san ramon, etc.

my host family.
karen, my host mom, is awesome. she's like a big sister (she asks me about my life and comforts me and gives me advice) and a friend (we watch the bachelorette together and make under-the-radar jokes while playing uno with the twins) combined. the twins, katherine and caroline, are hilarious. katherine is just plain loud and claims that she is "always hungry" and "never tired" - the living definition of "melodramatic." caroline is sweet and kind but just as crazy as katherine. i identify with both of them and have come to love them like little sisters. will, who is 21-months-old, is adorable. he knows me and asks where i am when i'm not home. i've taught him how to "pound" so now all i have to do is hold out my fist and he bumps knuckles with me - haha clearly, i'm very proud of that accomplishment. and then chuck, karen's husband, reminds me a lot of my dad. he's a kind and decent man but hard to get to know. all in all, i love my host family. they're like real family. :)

the networkers.
i have a special place in my heart for each person. emily and i frequently "double date" with karen and tyler; i can always count on amelia and amy for a good hug; kate randomly responds in accents so you just never know when you're going to laugh; tyler and i pick on each other like brother and sister so i can always count on him giving me a hard time in the most affectionate way; karen knows how to make me smile and was the girl i instantly connected with; and jeff is endearingly awkward which makes our work together entertaining, to say the least. i just love these people.

first presbyterian church of fresno (first pres).
the staff here is incredibly warm and welcoming. they made us feel at home the minute we all began our summer as networkers. the senior pastor, jamie, walks down the hall just to say hello to us (by name!) and ask how we're doing. craig, the guy in charge of the networker program AND my supervisor, is awkward and hilarious but has been a good source of practical knowledge. and the congregation is great - the parents of the kids and even those without kids in our ministries go out of their way to greet us and get to know us.

overall, things are good here. i'm feeling challenged and stretched... romans 8:28 sums it up pretty well and has become my theme verse for the summer:

and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to His purpose.

missing piece.

2009-06-27T16:04:00.003-04:00

my heart is literally aching because i miss one of my friends so much. i haven't talked to them all summer, have no idea how they're doing and would give almost anything to just give them a hug right now. after being able to see this friend on a daily basis as well as have regular heart-to-hearts, not talking to them for over a month is really starting to hurt. up to this point i've been praying for this friend, letting the Lord show me how to pray for because i have no idea how they're doing or what they're going through. i'm trusting that the Lord is taking care of my friend and, hopefully, they know that they are being prayed for and are missed more than words can express.

kinda, sorta homesick.

2009-06-21T18:25:00.002-04:00

for the most part, i'm not very homesick. fresno is great and the people here are awesome. but there are a few people/things that i've been missing lately:

1. mcalister's. best sweet tea in the world = mcalister's. summer = sweet tea. no mcalister's = NO sweet tea. summer - sweet tea = LAME.

2. katie, anna, lainelee, ali and jessica. don't get me wrong, i like my junior high girls here, but it's just not the same. i miss my girls!

3. my mom. 'nuff said.

however, there have been a few additions to my life here in fresno that make missing those things/people a little more tolerable:

1. irene's. an awesome cafe in downtown fresno, not too far from the church, that serves my new favorite sandwich: the islander natural, which has lettuce, alfalfa sprouts, tomatoes, oil and vinegar, artichoke hearts, avocados, pickles, and mustard on this delicious bread. hm. now that i type all that out, i realize how gross it sounds... but it's SO GOOD!

2. jamba juice. it's everywhere here. i'm trying not to get attached but it's awfully hard when there one on every corner...

3. i've said it before and i'll say it again... the networkers. my co-interns. em, karen, amelia, amy, kate, jeff and tyler. love 'em.

i would write more but that's all i can really get out right now because i'm just too full. i have things to sort through (good and bad) so i'll try harder next time...

all is well.

2009-06-16T13:54:00.000-04:00

I could write several long paragraphs about the past few days, but I think I’ll just go with a random list to summarize:

1. I LOVE the other Networkers. Karen, Amelia, Kate, Amy, Jeff, Tyler and – of course – Emily are awesome people and I am incredibly thankful to now call them my friends. We hang out even when we’re not at work… we’re actually FRIENDS. And I’ve already been comforted and been taken care of a couple times by the girls when we’ve only known each other for almost two weeks. I’m looking forward to a summer full of laughter, conversation and fun – so, basically, just continuing the way it is now. :)

2. I finally got a car. It’s a nice car, too. I’ve been fully enjoying the freedom that comes with a car the since I picked it up Saturday morning. The best part? I paid attention to how people got to places during my week of being chauffeured everywhere so I actually know where I’m going now that I’m in charge of directions myself. Granted, I got lost going to church Sunday morning, I’ve been pretty successful the rest of the time.

3. This is an important summer, I can feel it. I’m already being broken (in more than one way) and God is healing me, pulling me close to Him and comforting me. It’s painful and hard but I can already tell it’ll be worth it in the end.

“You said, ‘I know that this will hurt,
but if I don’t break your heart, things will just get worse.
If the burden seems too much to bear,
remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there.’”
- “Let it All Out,” Relient K

4. The Jonas Brothers are coming to Fresno August 5th. If you know me at all, you this is REALLY exciting news! However, August 5th is a Wednesday and Wednesday night is when Bubble (Bible) Study is. Shoot. So, I’m trying to figure out how I can go to the Jonas Brothers concert in San Jose August 3rd (which is a Monday, which is our day off!)… I just gotta find someone to go with me. :)

Hmm. That’s all I got right now… my brain is really only half-functioning right now because I’m trying to take care of practicum stuff so I can email Phil first thing in the morning. I’ll try to have a better update next time. Hope everyone is doing well! :)

we are family.

2009-06-11T11:59:00.000-04:00

I went into the church around 9 this morning. Jeff and I got right to planning, deciding to go through Ephesians during Sunday School. We also came up with the teaching schedule for Sunday mornings and Wednesday nights – and I’m teaching THIS Sunday. I’m a little overwhelmed at the thought but I know that this is where I get to put all of the stuff I’ve been learning into action. At noon, Sarah (my advisor) picked me up at the church and we went to Irene’s (a local café with awesome food) for lunch. We chatted as we ate and then relocated to Starbucks to go through a couple of spiritual inventories I’d taken last week. We went over my goals and objectives for the summer, discussing what I had chosen and why. Sarah is a really great sounding board and I appreciate her insight. I think meeting with her this summer will really challenge me and help me grow. We ended up “meeting” for almost four hours and then I headed back to the church where Jeff and I planned for another hour or so. We had been invited to dinner at Craig’s (the junior high youth pastor) house so we headed over to his house around 5:30 and had burgers and just hung out with him and his wife, Amber.

And now I’m back at my house, lying on my bed with the bedroom door open. I just overheard Karen (my host mom) telling Katherine and Caroline (my twin “sisters”) a bedtime story – one that ended with a character named “Liz” coming over and having a slumber party with the two main characters, “Kath-o-rine” and “Car-o-line.” After that, she prayed with the girls and I listened as she prayed for me and my need for a car. I can’t even being to explain how happy it makes me to feel like a part of this family. I already feel like I belong here and I just love spending time with my “sisters” – in fact, we’re having a slumber party Friday night, complete with popcorn and a movie (Enchanted!!).

Like I said before, I need a car. As far as I know, a couple of cars have come up but then fallen through. I know the Lord is teaching me through this – it’s humbling to constantly have to ask for rides, knowing I’m asking people to go out of their way for me. I’m usually the one driving, picking up and dropping off, not the other way around. I also vividly remember praying last Tuesday for patience and immediately following with, “I know people don’t usually ask for patience because then You just give them an opportunity to be patient…” and now I know that’s what’s happening. I’ve been given an opportunity to be patient and I am failing miserably. Pray that I would keep a good attitude about this situation… but also pray that a car shows up soon so that I can hang out with students after school gets out this Friday.

I think I’m gonna do some reading and then head to bed… Emily is picking me up at 8am so we can grab some Jamba Juice before we head to the church for a tour of downtown Fresno. J

the first 6 days.

2009-06-10T14:27:00.002-04:00

Em and I flew out of the Indianapolis Airport last Thursday at 6am. We changed planes in Atlanta and arrived in San Jose around 11am, Pacific Time. Susan, the administrator and backbone of First Presbyterian Church of Fresno, and Laura, a member of the NET (Networkers Equipping Team) picked us up at the airport and took us to lunch before driving us the three-ish hours to Fresno. We went to Susan’s house, where Em stayed to wait for her host family to pick her up, while I moved my two suitcases to Laura’s convertible. We drove (with the top down, of course) to my host family’s house and I got to meet Karen (my host mom), Katherine and Caroline (my twin “sisters,” who are seven) and Will (my little “brother,” who is almost two) and then I met Chuck (my host dad) an hour or so later. My host family is great and I felt comfortable from the moment I walked in the door. Karen and I really hit it off so being home and just chatting with her is a lot of fun. She’s more like a new friend than a host mom. And their house is beautiful… I have my own room (which is actually Will’s room, but he’s bunking with Katherine and Caroline for time being) and there is a trampoline and a pool in the backyard. Pretty sweet, not gonna lie.

So, I met my family and hung crashed pretty early Thursday night. Friday I just hung around my house until I had to be at the church at 5. We got to meet the senior pastor, Jamie, and each Networker was prayed for individually by their advisor and then anointed by Jamie, Susan or Steve, another NET member. I’ve never been anointed before so that was a really cool experience - it was a beautiful thing in that as Susan made the cross on my forehead with frankincense and myrrh, she prayed a blessing over me, claiming my identity as a beloved daughter. (For those of you that don’t know, I have “beloved” tattooed on the inside of my left ankle and “daughter” on the inside of my right ankle in Greek. That phrase is near and dear to my heart.) After prayer, we had a quick dinner and then headed up to a cabin in the mountains for the rest of the weekend. We spend Friday evening and all day Saturday going through church protocol and what was to be expected of us as Networkers, as well sharing our testimonies and just hanging out. It was a great time of fellowship between the eight Networkers, our advisors and the NET.

Sunday morning we were introduced during the first service, snuck out as a group for Starbucks (which the Networkers director paid for – score!) and then made it back in time to go to our respective age group’s Sunday school time. Jeff, my partner-in-crime for the summer, and I got to meet our junior highers (there are only 16 or so, which is the smallest group that will ever go through First Pres) and we got to share a little bit about ourselves while fielding a few questions from the kids. There are almost as many volunteers as there are junior higher so that will make for an interesting summer – but I’m sure they’re going to come in plenty handy. J That night, there was a church picnic in our honor so we were introduced once again, but this time with hot dogs and lots of side dishes. It was neat to meet lots of parents and just watch the way the church really loves each other.

Monday was our first day off and, surprisingly, much needed. Emily picked me up and we headed to Sarah’s house. (Sarah is my advisor and I love her already. I can’t wait to get to know her this summer!) The plan was to have all of the girl Networkers over so Amy, Em, Karen, Amelia and myself enjoyed just lazing around in the pool for a couple of hours. Kate, the sixth girl Networker, showed up just as we had decided to go get some In-N-Out burgers for lunch so Em, Karen, Amelia and I picked up lunch for everyone. (For the record, I wasn’t that impressed with In-N-Out. I mean, it was good but not THAT good.) After eating, we did a little shopping and then Em, Amelia, Amy and I got sushi for dinner. We all headed back to our houses to crash early because Tuesday was our first day of real “work” at the church… but not before Emily and I got slightly lost trying to find my house. J Oh, the adventures of Liz and Emily…

Tuesday we all headed into the church to be instructed on church protocol and other important things by Susan. Then we all split up and met with our ministry advisors, so Jeff and I spent about an hour just talking with Craig (the junior high youth pastor) about our junior highers, what he wants from us for the summer, etc. Jeff and I are to come up with a teaching schedule (we will take turns teaching at Wednesday night “Bubble Studies” and Sunday School), decide on a theme for the teachings for either Wednesdays or Sundays, and plan out all the big events for the summer… by the end of the week. Needless to say, we have our work cut out for us. After planning with Jeff for a while, I headed home for family night (Tuesday night is set aside for all the Networkers to spend time with their host families). I ate dinner with my family and then we played a LOT of Uno, which was great. Living with this family is a great experience so far and, at this rate, it can only get better.

With all that to say, I have a few prayer requests:
- For Jeff and I, as we work together and plan for the entire summer in the next couple of days
- For all of the Networkers, as we adjust to our positions and begin to work with students, as well as for our relationship as a group
- For a car, because I am still without one and very much in need of one so I can handle my own transportation as well as be free to meet with students starting next week

checking in.

2009-06-09T18:03:00.003-04:00

i promise, i'm still alive. between adjusting to life in fresno, going on a weekend retreat and not having internet at my house, i've had a hard time keeping up with this thing. i plan on posting a real entry tomorrow but for now i thought i'd just check in. :) hope everyone is doing well!

california, californiaaaaaa, here we cooooooome!

2009-06-03T23:04:00.004-04:00

(the title of this post is my incredibly clever reference to the phantom planet song, "california." please don't judge me.)

emily and i will be boarding a plane to fresno, california in less than seven hours. this time tomorrow night, i'll in the house i'll be living in for the next two months. the funny thing is that even with these facts looming in front of me, reality has yet to set in. i'm a little concerned that instead of a gradual realization, i'm going to be sucker-punched friday night while i'm playing get-to-know-you games with my fellow interns. let's hope that's not the case. actually... please pray that it's not the case. :)

so, the next time i write here, i'll be a calfornia girl. get excited... i know i am. :)

on the stereo, listen as we go, nothing's gonna stop me now...

so close i can taste it.

2009-06-01T23:43:00.005-04:00

i have two full days left in fishers.

WEIRD.

nevermind the fact that i haven't truly unpacked from school. or that i have yet to do all of my laundry. or that i haven't actually started packing for the next two months. i mean, that's what the next two days are for, right?

i'm ready to actually BE in fresno. i'm ready to meet the family i'm going to live with, see the church i'm going to be working at, meet my fellow interns and staff members and start hanging out with my junior highers. i'm surprised at how NOT nervous i am about all of this, especially the ambiguity that surrounds so much of my internship. being so detail-oriented, it's good to be challenged in this way.

the other night, i decided to read philippians. i got into bed and read the whole book out loud. i had been listening to a podcast beforehand and the pastor referenced a verse from philippians so when i pulled out my Bible, i just randomly chose that book because it was one of the many i had just heard about. as i read the verses, i was surprised to see how much of the book applied to my life in this moment. seriously, there were verses for every aspect of what i've been going through in the past couple of weeks. i didn't set out to read the whole book in one sitting but the more verses that clicked, the more i wanted to keep reading. it was AWESOME! i'm already planning on studying 1 corinthians this summer, but i think i'm going to have to integrate philippians into my summer somehow, too.

to my friends who are spread out over the country (and the world) for the next couple of months:
"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God."

-philippians 1:3-11, NIV (check this passage out in the message translation, too - it's sweet!)

i think mark batterson is on to something...

2009-05-31T23:12:00.003-04:00

God has spoken to me through the stuff i read for as long as i can remember. He's never off with His timing of what i'm reading and what i'm going through - and tonight was no different. i thought about simply paraphrasing mark's blog but there was just too much good stuff and i didn't want to leave anything out. :)

Half of What He Has to Say
"He is the Holy Spirit, who leads into all truth." John 14:17

I think most of us wish the Holy Spirit led us into all comfort. We might even settle for partial truth. But all truth? Most of us would rather surround ourselves with people who will simply validate what we falsely believe about ourselves. That isn't the Holy Spirit. Like a good counselor, He'll take you places you don't want to go so you can get where He wants you to go. He'll reveal things you don't want to know so you can become who He wants you to be.

I think many of us get frustrated at times because it seems like God is silent. Here's a thought: if you cannot hear the voice of God maybe it's because you aren't willing to hear everything He has to say?

You can't tune out His convicting voice and still hear His guiding voice or wise voice or comforting voice. You cannot listen to half of what the Holy Spirit has to say. It's a package deal. If you tune out His convicting voice you won't hear anything He has to say.

(http://evotional.com/2009/05/half-of-what-he-has-to-say.html)

muscle building.

2009-05-26T20:44:00.003-04:00

i have a really good memory. like, REALLY good. not only can i remember a conversation or interaction in great detail, but i can put myself back in the memory in such a real way that it's like i'm actually reliving it and not just remembering it.

sometimes this is great. i can relive moments over and over that make me infinitely happy or make me laugh out loud or give me such joy that i feel like i might explode.

...but my memory can also suck. like, REALLY suck. i can relive a moment over and over that broke my heart or made me cry until i couldn't breathe or left me feeling so lonely that i could hardly function.

my memory is both a blessing and a curse.

it's funny, though, what i tend to remember. usually it's the "infinitely happy" stuff and the "made me cry until i couldn't breathe" stuff, rarely the stuff in between. while it's good to remember those happy things and to keep those memories close to my heart, i've been realizing how often i am held captive by the memories of moments that have broken me. just looking back on memories that once held so much power over me, i recognize the freedom i have and wonder why i don't celebrate that freedom more often. who i was freshman year at taylor - angry, desperate for love, confused and lonely - is a distant memory. the reasons i was that way are also distant memories. but i can remember when they were so close and hurt so much, when they could cripple me and ruin a day, week or even month.

but those memories are the reason i have the infinitely happy ones. i had to hurt and cry to know the good when i experienced it. my heart's been broken. it's been kicked around and taken advantage of more times that i care to think about... but God has been faithful. even in those moments where i was sure i would never be able to smile again and mean it, when i was sure i'd never be able to go a day without breaking down in tears... He saw my heart and felt for me. He wanted to protect me. He wanted to love me in a way i had never heard of, let alone experienced. slowly, but surely, i have relinquished my heart to the Lord. don't get me wrong, i'm still holding on to a good part of it - what can i say? i have trust issues.

but His patience is endless. He is steadfast and knows that for me, trusting is a big deal. every day He is the same and every day i see that He is deserving of my trust - and my heart. i'm working on it. it gets hard, though, when those memories flood my mind. it's easy to lose sight of Him and to be pulled down by a current of heartache.

but those currents are becoming less powerful. as a good friend once told me, i'm building "muscle" when i go through hard times, times that try my faith and break me down so that He can build me back up. i can fight those currents a little better now. but the real reason i can triumph isn't because of my own strength or victory - it's because God rescues me. He is mighty to save.

those are the memories i need to hold on to. all the other memories have made me who i am today, but all that really is matters is Who remembers me. why dwell on the memories that have broken me when i can mediate on the One who has built me up and holds me in His hand?

and those happy memories? the ones that make me smile until my cheeks hurt and make my heart swell with joy? i'll keep those... and remember the One who gave them to me, celebrating His favor and doing my best to live a life that brings Him glory.

it's time.

2009-05-24T23:43:00.005-04:00

"as she walked she shuddered. it was time to grow up... if she didn't take her life seriously, who would? she was becoming the person she'd be for her whole life. each thing she chose contributed to that person. she didn't want to be like this."

-ann brashares, "forever in blue"

being home is so weird for me. i know i come home a lot during the school year but it's weird when i'm here during the summer. something about the weather, just the feeling in the air, automatically takes me back to high school. i want to listen to music i listened to then, see people i knew then, relive moments from then... like i said, it's weird.

current nostalgic song of the moment? "over my head" by starfield.

current nostalgic book of the moment? the third book in the "sisterhood the traveling pants" series.

current nostalgic movie of the moment? a tie between "now and then" and "elizabethtown."

this is the perfect summer to get out of fishers. i could barely handle being here last summer, almost lost my sanity a few times... but now? it's not even an option. fresno could not have come at a better time. granted, i'm freakin' out. but it's better than the alternative.

i'm at this odd place where i feel so full, like i need to just talk to someone until i have no words left but i also feel like i have no words at all. how does that even make sense? i think it might have to do with the fact that the people i would choose to talk to aren't here. sure, i could call them, but it's just not the same. i have these five people who mean a LOT to me and those are the people i want to just sit down and talk to. and i want hugs. i just really want a hug right now, preferably from one of those five people.

hm. and this is the point where i need to go to bed because i'm just too overwhelmed with emotion to really function and think clearly. like i said, i need to get out of fishers...

goodbyes, part 2.

2009-05-20T19:29:00.002-04:00

i've said goodbye to:
- finals
- my junior year
- some of my very best friends

i still have to say goodbye to:
- my dorm room / bergwall
- my family
- indiana

don't get me wrong, i'm starting to get excited about fresno... but all of these goodbyes are just bittersweet. but i guess, in the grand scheme of things, i'm pretty blessed to have such wonderful people in my life that are so hard to say goodbye to. :)

goodbyes, part 1.

2009-05-15T22:14:00.003-04:00

time to say goodbye to spring semester... goodbye to junior year classes... goodbye to my best friends for the next 3 months... and goodbye to the class of 2009.

frick. i'm not ready.

the beginning of the end.

2009-05-11T15:26:00.002-04:00

today was the first day of my last week of classes for this semester... and school year. hm. not sure how i feel about this. pretty relieved, i guess - no one really likes mondays. but i'm pretty freaked out, too - 4 mondays from now i'll be in fresno. at this point, i can't decide what would be more helpful: to pretend like june 3rd is reaaaally far away or just think about it. all the time. in the grand scheme of things, neither option is that healthy - or helpful - but i don't know what else to do. it doesn't even seem real. it probably won't hit me until i'm on the plane, making my way across the country. or until i walk up to the door of the house that i'll be living in for the next 2 months...

okay, i can't think about that. changing subjects.

i love my friends. i know lots of people say that and i know i say it, too, but i really mean it. the past month or so, i've had the chance to really get to know a few of my good friends even better. i've had a chance to grow closer to them, be vulnerable with them, build trust with them and have fun with them. i can't even put into words how thankful i am for the past month. God has been so faithful with putting people in my life who encourage me and challenge me and love me... and hug me. :) (that last one is pretty important, in my opinion.) i intend to keep investing in those friendships even while we're apart this summer...

and there i go again.

clearly, fresno is on my mind. and saying goodbye is, too. i think it's because i know that this time next year i'll be saying goodbye for real, which is making my impending goodbyes even less appealing...

wow. okay, i really need to get a grip. :) let's just see if that happens... haha

two things i don't have enough of...

2009-05-07T14:02:00.003-04:00

money & motivation.

at least i'm doing something to solve both of those problems:

money: i just got a job at old navy. my boss is cool with the fact that i'm going to be peacing out for 2 months for my internship (awesome, right?) and is going to train me and let me work until i leave and then pick right back up when i get home. he's also flexible with my schedule during school - he said that if i only can do one weekend a month, that's fine. oh hey, best job EVER!

motivation: part of my summer practicum is that i have to come up with goals and subsequent objectives for the summer. phil, my advisor, will be checking up on me weekly to make sure i'm fulfilling these goals. setting those goals and being followed up on will help me to follow through on my goals and help me to be consistent so that hopefully, by the end of the summer, i will be disciplined in the way i spend my time (and money).

hm. two weeks from today, i'll be on summer break officially. one month from today, i'll be in fresno. yikes.

a little behind.

2009-05-04T14:33:00.002-04:00

i feel like i'm always playing catch-up. probably because i am, thanks in large part to all of my procrastinating. there's only 2 weeks of classes left and then 3 days of finals. i can do this. i can catch up and finish strong... right?

who needs a comfort zone when you've got fresno, california?

2009-05-01T15:30:00.005-04:00

about an hour ago, i recieved a phone call from craig (the guy in charge of the networkers program at first presbyterian church of fresno) offering me a summer internship! i applied at the end of march, interviewed last over a week ago, and have been waiting for the news until that phone call today. long story short, i know this is where the Lord wants me this summer and i am really excited (but TOTALLY freaking out) about what i'm going to learn and do between june 5th and august 9th. looks like this blog is going to come in handy while i'm spending my summer on the west coast... :)

goals, part 1.

2009-04-30T14:24:00.004-04:00

if (well, more like when) i do my practicum this summer, i have to have a list of goals and objectives. my faculty advisor - phil - will hold me accountable through my weekly reports.

neat.

it's funny, because this is exactly what i need, but DON'T want. haha gotta love how that works. so, in a general sense, my goals are as follows:

start following through, which will lead me to being consistent, which will then result in my being disciplined.

a more detailed list to come...

i found it...

2009-04-28T16:48:00.002-04:00

the cure! my funk is gone... well, almost.

apparently, all i need to do to cheer myself up is to:
1. eat dinner at mcalister's with my momma
2. visit my grandparents
3. do a little shopping at target
4. watch a new episode of greek
5. spend some quality time with a dear friend

good to know.

attitude check.

2009-04-27T14:08:00.004-04:00

i am in a funk. i have no idea what's wrong with me (well, i have a couple ideas but none seem big enough to have caused this funk on their own). ever since thursday afternoon (again, no clue what set this funk into motion on that specific day and time) i've been trapped. it's weird, because i'm aware of my state of mind/emotion, i just can't seem to shake it.

the symptoms of my funk:
1. i'm negative. i've had to be extra careful of what i say lately because my "first instinct words" are not edifying to my friends or glorifying to God in any way, shape or form.
2. i'm anti-social. i just want to be alone.
3. but as soon as i'm alone, i'm sad because i'm alone. i feel lonely.
4. i lack motivation. clearly, this is nothing new - but i could at least muster some motivation when i needed it, whereas now, it's nowhere to be found.

did i mention i've been avoiding God? i guess that's a pretty big one. youth conference was this past weekend and i felt like every word nate (our speaker) said was directed at me. hello, conviction. the thing about convication with me is that i get that twinge, feel that urge to move or change... and that's it. I WANT TO FOLLOW THROUGH!

i want to be disciplined, i want to be consistent, and i want to follow through.

okay, well that has to be good. i just identified the goals. now i just need to figure out how to reach them...

twenty-ten.

2009-04-21T12:10:00.003-04:00

this incredibly bittersweet thought just occured to me: a month from today, i'll be done with my junior year of college. i'll have completed three years of college and be closing in on my last year. quick overview of the huge things that will happen in my life between next august '09 and may '10:

1. i will turn 22. whaaat? it really doesn't seem so long ago when i thought 22 was "sooo old."
2. it will finally be 2010. twenty-ten. such an awkward class year - "we're the class of... oh-ten?"
3. i will GRADUATE. this will be my second graduation - which, in and of itself, is pretty surreal considering how much of an underachiever i am - but i will get an actual degree from this special ceremony.

and those are just milestones... the rest of the year will be a series of lasts: my last airband, my last my gen night, my last silent night, my last nostalgia night. i'm starting to think that next year is just going to be a constant stream of goodbyes. no, thank you.

i think i'll be okay with leaving taylor. i mean, i'll miss the traditions and the atmosphere that only exists here, but i'll live. i'll come back for homecoming and look back fondly on my memories. the only thing that is going to be really hard, the thing that is going to make my heart ache, is leaving my friends. it's true, the friends you make in college are the best ones you can imagine. the Lord has been more than faithful in putting amazing people in my life and i am not even close to being ready to let go. good thing i've got another year, huh? i just want to make sure i don't take one day for granted next year... that i don't get so wrapped up in classes and my senior paper that i forget to enjoy time with some of the best people i will ever know.

talking about this always makes me feel funny. "bittersweet" is probably the best word for it, actually. i want to spend my senior year being thankful and claiming as much joy as possible. i gotta go out with a bang... :)

heartache.

2009-04-09T23:34:00.003-04:00

ireland, iowa, ecuador, ohio, costa rica, new york and egypt. i have friends in each of those far away (and not-so-far away) places.

my heart aches for those friends.

dundrum, london, paris and rome. i've been to these places, met people and made memories in these places. i grew up a lot in these cities.

my heart aches for those cities.

missing people and places wouldn't be so hard if i didn't have memories. but i guess the whole concept of "missing" can't happen without memories. you can't miss something you don't remember, which is kinda like the saying, "you can't miss what you never had." it's just that... sometimes, i don't know if the memories are worth the pain of the "missing" aspect. i mean, i miss those cities, but when i go back, they won't be the same. half of what i'm missing is who i was with and the adventures we had while we were there. so i can miss those places all i want, but i will never be able to fully alleviate the ache. memories only happen once. people change.

if i had a choice between a pause button and a rewind button, i honestly don't know if i'd be able to choose. both have their appeal. but i know, in reality, those buttons don't exist for a reason. a funny look or an awkward conversation are never as funny the second time, no matter how hard you try to make it like the first. i guess this means you have to learn to enjoy each moment. enjoy the HECK out of it. be conscious of it, knowing that there will never be another moment like the one you are currently experiencing. no second can be repeated. we don't get do-overs or pauses or rewindes... we get one shot. make it count.

this is a good lesson to start to learn as i end my junior year of college. i'm about to be a senior, which means i only have one airband left, one my gen night, one nostalgia night and only one silent night left as a student at taylor. i only have one fall of late night walks and the smell of burning leaves and walks to handy andy left... only one winter of bitter cold and beautiful snow and watching christmas movies with friends and actually having a christmas break left... only one spring of strawberry shortcakes and spring break and then... i graduate.

YIKES. while this is giving me a much needed wake up call to appreciate life as it comes... it is also freaking the crap out of me. good thing i still have a couple months of junior year left before i really have to start panicking. :) maybe i need to come up with a cap and gown list - a college version of a bucket list, then i won't forget anything. hm... i'm going to have to get on that.

circus.

2009-03-31T20:42:00.002-04:00

a lot of stuff in my life is in the air. it's flying around above my head, some of it looming closer and some of it distancing itself for a season. i have this awkward awareness that i am juggling all of these things... catching them one at a time, only to have to throw them back up in order to recieve another. i don't have time to focus on one situation at a time, i just deal with them momentarily and then move on. as a result, i am feeling pretty undone. nothing is being taken care of, just put off til later. the things is - i'm just waiting for everything to come crashing down on me, bits and pieces covering me and taking me over.

but as i was writing that, i had this new image. in this one, i'm still juggling, struggling to catch and throw everything in perfect time. but then, just as i miss one thing, i realize another hand is involved. that hand catches what i dropped, and then proceeds to pluck every other flying situation out of the air. this hand is big enough for all of them, effortlessly carrying all of my worries and thoughts and siuations. my arms drop to my sides, my hands empty. relief. it's out of my hands. all of it.

and now it's in His hands. He is trustworthy. that doesn't mean i don't have a panic attack every once and a while, trying to pry those things back out of His hands and into mine... and He lets me. but it doesn't take too long to be overwhelmed again and He is there to rescue me. He is patient while i learn this lesson over and over again. He loves me even though i forget. shoot, He just plain loves me.

if His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

a break up.

2009-03-30T14:05:00.002-04:00

"Nine times out of ten, spiritual growth comes back to breaking a bad habit or establishing a good habit. There’s something you need to stop doing and something you need to start doing, and it’s going to take something radical for you to make that change."
- mark batterson

spring fever.

2009-03-22T23:50:00.003-04:00

2 days of spring break down, 7 to go. life is looking pretty good from where i'm standing. :)

yesterday was pretty productive and today was... well... not. my mom and i made a goal to not the leave the house - and we only broke that rule to go get dairy queen. ha it was great. tomorrow is going to be slightly more productive, with me and my mom running errands... and then me getting my second tattoo! i'm excited about that for sure. that's the one big, fun, spring break-y thing i'm going to do, and to be honest, i'm okay with it.

i'm going to let myself enjoy another day or two of relaxation and then i have to buckle down and do homework. i have to play catch-up because of my serious lack of motivation the first half of the semester. i don't mind spending some of my break homeworking because 2 weeks from now, i'll have a 4-day weekend for easter. :) again, life is looking pretty good... haha

spring is coming. i can smell it, feel it... all that good stuff. spring usually brings good things - or at least brings an end to the bad stuff. i'm hoping for the latter, at least. preferably both. some good weather would definitely encourage a better attitude and outlook, so i'm hoping spring comes sooner rather than later.

wise words.

2009-03-12T10:09:00.001-04:00

"...some of the greatest victories we win over the enemy are simply doing the right thing when we least feel like it. "
- mark batterson
evotional.com

a million bucks.

2009-03-10T14:11:00.004-04:00

i hate naps. when i was little, my grandma always promised me that i would "feel like a million bucks" after i took my nap. i honestly can't remember that far back, so all i know is that now when i wake, i tend to feel like crap. i wake up stiff (or sometimes really jello-y). i'm almost always sweaty, whether i have a blanket over me or the fan is on - doesn't matter, it always happens. and the worst part is that if i eat right before i nap (which is usually the reason i'm tired in the first place), i wake up feeling sick.

awesome.

so yeah, i'm not a huge fan of naps. especially when my alarm doesn't go off and i'm almost late for work. hm. but i guess i was tired, because i was out. :)

on the bright side, when i walked outside to drive to work, i was greeted with warm air. sure, it's heavy with moisture from the rain we had earlier today, but it's warm nonetheless. i'm trying to not let the fact that it's supposed to snow later this week ruin today.

hm. i could really go for a fruit salad from ivanhoe's... maybe i should make that happen before i go back to work at 5. :)

i blame my friends.

2009-02-28T10:51:00.002-05:00

it's funny the way your friends can have influence on you. i remember watching my brother change with each phase of friends as he grew from middle school to junior high to high school, and even now. he would be more aggressive or more ornery or have more attitude depending on who he was currently hanging out with. i, on the other hand, was pretty consistent, i think. i stayed friends with people for longer periods of time, never really stopping our friendships but simply growing out of them. the thing is, i know that certain people bring certain things out in me. they also inspire or encourage certain things in me. i say this with two specific examples in mind:

1. it's saturday morning and i've been at the library since 9am. granted, i've yet to actually do any work, but i'm still here. did i mention it's SATURDAY? yeah. clearly, my friends are having a good influence on me. this is definitely not something i would do of my own volition.

2. i'm obsessed with music - and i'm actually not too ashamed of my music choices anymore. in high school, i listened to crap. i'll admit that. i got made fun of a lot, but whatever, i loved it (and really, i still do). but now, due to significant influence from several people, my taste has grown and expanded. the stuff i used to like i'm not so fond of anymore, and the stuff i wouldn't even give a chance before is what i have on repeat. i'd say my music is a good represenation of who i am. there is some really great stuff, universal songs that almost anyone would agree is good... but there's also some music that might offend, whether based on the lyrics or the blatant lame-ness.

it's weird how people change you. it's weird how you have seasons with people, some shorter than others, and don't even have time to appreciate them until they're gone. friendship is a funny thing. i mean, it sucks. plain and simple. you trust people, you let them in... and honestly, you get hurt. but it's worth it. ha. that's weird to write, because even though i do truly believe that, it's been hard to remember that lately. but it is. friendship is worth it. people are worth it. not to mention, we're commanded to love others. to love them and let them love us. we were made to love and be loved.

making up for lost time.

2009-02-19T12:55:00.002-05:00

while i was in ireland, i journaled almost every day. we had to as part of the course requirement, but i found it helped to sit down every morning and write about the previous day as a way to process. since being back in the states, i haven't journaled once. i don't know if it's because i'm just less disciplined here, or if i'm still not in the swing of the semester or if it was just a fluke and now i'm destined to be a sportatic journaler for the rest of my life. all i know is that my journal sits untouched. and my blog was in the same sad place until today.

i think a lot of it has to do with the fact that i have plenty to say, but the second i sit down to write, my brain is either too full to even begin or it is completely empty. how does that even happen? man, it's frustrating. so i'm going to make myself do this. i need to be more disciplined and this seems like a good place to start.

"spring" semester (i use the quotation marks because the weather has been anything but spring-like) has been going on for almost a month now. i'm on my third week of classes and i've already skipped two classes, two separate times. clearly this is not a good sign. i am nortorious for my skipping habits. i want to get rid of that urge, though, so i'm trying to be more intentional. a friend made a good point yesterday when she explained to me how when she feels unmotivated (to go to class, do homework, etc.), she thinks about women in the middle east and how most of the them would love to be able to go back to school. basically, instead of dwelling on how boring a class is or how pointless an assignment seems, i should be thankful for the opportunity i've been given - not only to be in college, but at a christian university where i am surrounded by amazing people every day. even just writing that helps me feel more determined. maybe i need to just make a list of all the blessings in my life so i can have a better perspective, full of gratitude and praise.

aside from my typical lack of motivation, this semester has been pretty good so far. i've had lots of coffee dates just to catch up with people i hadn't seen in almost two months and i've been able to enjoy my roommate-less room. the thing is... i miss her. i feel like i could sum up this semester as "the semester of missing people." similar to freshman year when you miss you family and high school friends like crazy, this semester is all about me missing the amazing people i met in northern ireland during january, as well as all of my friends who are studying in far away places like ecuador and costa rica. but in the words of nicholas, one of the many wonderful people i met in northern ireland, "we're lucky to have people in our lives that it's hard to say goodbye too." i'm blessed to have people to miss.

pickin' back up.

2008-12-29T13:27:00.004-05:00

it never fails. i get so wrapped up in school and people and just life in general that i totally forget to write in my blog. i've been that way since high school, so i'm not really that surprised... but i'm going to try to change it. i wish i could do some sort a list to overview the past 4 months but i honestly don't remember much about the semester.

this semester was hard. and stretching. and encouraging. and disappointing. and surprising. and blessed. suffice it to say, i've learned a lot. the thing is... i'm ready for a change.

i guess that works out well considering i'm leaving for northern ireland in a week and two days. i'm going with 14 other taylor students and a few adult leaders and we're going to be working with a ministry called project evangelism. the whole trip will be relationally based and directed towards youth, which makes me so excited because i am all about relationships, but i know it will also be hard because we have to work for those relationships with the kids and then we'll end up leaving. i'm trying to prepare myself for my heart to be broken, over and over again, for what breaks God's heart. i know i won't ever be ready... but i also know it will so incredibly worth it.

being away for three full weeks doesn't sound like a lot, but considering all of the people i have to miss while i'm gone and how much i'm going to be pushed outside my comfort zone during those weeks, it makes sense for me to be slightly freaking out. but only slightly. i'm ready for this challenge. i wouldn't have been ready freshman or sophomore year, but this year, it's time. this is my first missions trip. it's about time.

we'll be gone january 7-28, so if you could keep our team in your prayers, we would really appreciate it. :)

oh, life.

2008-09-24T09:34:00.004-04:00

some random thoughts running through my head:

- a week from today and this crazy work schedule will be OVER.
- a week and a month from today i can drink starbucks again. (i gave it up last tuesday and can't have it again til november 1st.)
- i no longer can run on only 5 hours of sleep.
- but the lack of sleep i'm experiencing today is worth the great conversation i had last night.
- i feel pursued. not by a boy, but by God. might sound weird, but it's true. it's one of those things where you can't see it at the time but once you are past it and can look back, you see everything you missed. that's where i am - and now that i'm seeing what i missed, i feel like i know what to be looking for now.
- i have some amazing friends. i don't say this lightly, either. this past month i have been blessed to really pour into (and be poured into) by a couple people that have made a significant impact on me.
- i've been feeling very loved this past month, very cared for and respected. by both guys and girls. this is a new experience - and very much appreciated.
- even though i'm tired and kinda over my september work schedule, i'm happy. okay, no, i don't mean happy. i mean... i have joy. consistent joy that just runs through everything, even when i'm freaking out or stressing out or breaking down. again, it's a new experience, but very much appreciated.

my new favorite song.

2008-09-20T22:01:00.004-04:00

Desert Song - Hillsong

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

All of my life, in every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be empited again
The seed I've recieved I will sow

is october here yet?

2008-09-14T15:56:00.002-04:00

being back at school has been hard. but the best kind of hard... if that makes sense. it's hard because i'm busy. i'm a multi-tasker by nature but this is just out of control. at this point, the only thing that's keeping me sane is knowing that october 1st things will change. well, i hope so. i know that my work hours be a lot more manageable (i'll go from 13-15 hours a week to only 4-6) and i'm banking on the fact that that will help ease the stress i've been experiencing.

but despite how busy i've been, i've been loving being back with the amazing people at taylor. i feel so me here. it doesn't hurt that fall is just around the corner and that is definitely my favorite season. :) i feel like i'm getting more comfortable in my own skin... i'm being called out by people i trust and respect, i'm being loved on like i don't think i ever have been in the past... it's so encouraging to be here. i can't believe i only have one more year of this left. i just need to keep that in the back of my mind so i make sure that i don't take any of this for granted. :)

i'm disappointed...

2008-09-05T11:06:00.002-04:00

...in myself.

and i feel like i'm disappointing everyone around me.

i'm trying to find a balance between classes and homework and working and being around on my floor and spending time with my friends off campus and being involved in the two ministries i've made commitments to this year. at this point, all i can say is: something's gotta give.

if i can't figure this out in the next couple weeks, i'm going to be miserable this semester. and that's just not an option. i don't have much time left at taylor and i'm not going to waste that precious time being stressed out and distressed when i don't have to be.

hmm... is this what it feels like to be a grown up?

back home where i belong.

2008-08-22T11:46:00.003-04:00

i'm sitting at my desk... in room 415... in bergwall hall... on taylor university's campus... LOVING MY LIFE. :) i moved back in this past monday and have spent the week settling in, preparing for the freshmen to come, training for my campus job, reuniting with friends and adjusting to my new and wonderful roommate. seriously, life doesn't get much better than this.

oh wait, yes it does. :)

this weekend, the rest of my friends will move in. and then tuesday, classes will start. so, like i said, loving my life. i'm also losing my voice... i think it's from all the squealing and screaming i've done with each friend i've reunited with so far. and it's only going to get worse. :)

the weird thing is that this week i've been dealing with lots of memories. i don't remember doing that last year... but this week i've been recalling my own welcome weekend as a freshmen, the crazy ups and downs i dealt with as a freshman, the horrible state i was in emotionally and spiritually this time last year, etc. it's so great to look back and realize how much i've grown. and how much happier i am. and just how much of a better place i'm in now. God is good. i can't wait to see how much more i will grow this year. if i've learned anything from my trips down memory lane, i know that even though growing is hard and hurts - a lot, really - it is totally and completely worth it. so... let's get this show on the road!

sweet success!

2008-08-14T18:10:00.002-04:00

i just realized that i forgot to mention that i finished my online math class (shocking, but true) and managed to pass with a B (so shocking it could almost be classified as a miracle).

2 science credits? check.
2 years of a foreign language? check.
1 math credit? check!!

and then after this semester i'll have my lit and history credits taken care of. man, this feels good! :)

a lesson never fully learned.

2008-08-12T23:31:00.003-04:00

i love being surprised by people. and i don't mean being surprised in the "a surprise party?! you shouldn't have!"kind of way. i mean expecting the very least from a person and getting the complete opposite. i went into a conversation tonight thinking i'd be disappointed again and came out realizing that there's always another side of the story and another person's feelings to consider. it's one of those things i think you learn over and over because human nature is to assume that you're right and they're wrong. the best (and hardest) part was that i was totally called out on my attitude and was challenged to consider another perspective. huh. looking back, i'm so glad i went and had that conversation. i had totally gone in thinking it would be a confrontation, an ending to a friendship - and i was wrong. and i'm really glad i was. i'm glad i was wrong and i'm glad i was called out. is that weird? then again, it's not like i was standing there saying, "oh yeah, please call me out on how i'm selfish and how my attitude is out of line. i love hearing i'm not actually right like i thought i was." but i can look back and see that i needed that. i love hindsight. it's kinda annoying that i can't see that stuff as it's happening so i can handle it better or learn more from it, but i know that looking back and then taking time to process and appreciate is also beneficial.

so, call me out. i challenge you to. and when i don't handle it as well as i should (i'm working on that, but being as prideful as i am - which i don't know that i was even aware of how much pride i had til this summer, which is odd, really - i know i'll still be a work in process for a while) call me out on that too. i'm learning to see the love in someone calling me out. it's like a whole new love language. :) so, seriously... do it. hug me and call me out, that's all i ask. well, and sometimes encourage me. but really, that's all i'm looking for. :)

take a peek inside my head.

2008-08-10T23:33:00.003-04:00

i have a confession to make. sometimes i pretend that i'm the star of a movie (my life) and the music coming from my radio (or iPod) is the soundtrack. somehow i don't think i'm the only person who does that... but hey, it entertains me. the thing is, i'll be walking to class, totally into my music, and i'll realize that i'm singing outloud and the people near me are giving me these looks like i'm crazy. maybe i am? haha :)

on a slightly less crazy note, this time next week, i'll be doing all my last minute prep to go back to school. i'm so ready to go back i can hardly stand it! it's not even that i'm miserable being home, because i'm really not anymore. it's more the idea that in the next couple weeks i get to see my very best friends again. and life - well, what i've come to know as "life" in the past 2 years - will pick up again. basically, i get to go home. and i'm so ready.

and hey, with as random as this post has turned out to be, i'll just throw out something else i've been thinking about recently: i'm 20. i've been alive for 20 years. um... weird! the thing is, i write that down and i still don't believe it. try constantly being told you look at least 5 years younger than you really are for the past, oh, i dunno, 10 years. i have never looked my age and i think all those people telling me i look 13 or so has gotten to me. in my head, i'm still 15. kinda because i still feel like it, but mostly because that's what people tell me i look. well, i get that on a good day. other days i get younger. so when i'm in positions of leadership and i'm actually regarded as a leader by other leaders, i'm surprised. for a second i'm completely caught off guard and am tempted to tell them they've made a mistake, i'm only a kid. and then i remember: i'm not. i struggled a lot with that at SERVE a couple months back. everytime another leader confided in me, i had to stop myself from stopping them to tell them that i'm only a student. i think i realized during that week how self-conscious i am about not looking my age. its hard to explain, but it totally messes with my self-esteem and confidence. i've gotten to the point where i wonder if i'll ever look as old as i am... people are constantly telling me - and this has got to be my biggest pet peeve - that i'll "appreciate it when i'm older." seriously? that doesn't help me now. maybe when i'm 40 i'll be happy that people mistake me for a 30-year-old but for now, it's frustrating to be mistaken as a student when i'm actually a leader. it's also frustrating how much this bothers me... but it's just something i have to learn to deal with because i don't think i'm going to wake up any day soon and magically look 20 (or 21, if it takes a couple months haha).

wow, hey, this post was both completely random and pointless... i guess you could just consider this a glimpse of what goes on inside my head! :)

"may God's love be with you."

2008-08-06T22:58:00.006-04:00

a few more random thoughts:

- a good cry can be such a relief. it can take off an edge, release stress, provide perspective, remind you of things you might have forgotten - and can sometimes help you forget. i didn't exactly plan to have this particular good cry tonight but after watching an interview with stephen curtis chapman and his family (http://abcnews.go.com/Video/playerIndex?id=5524419) i couldn't help but cry. i cried for the chapman family's loss, for their faith that very obviously is a struggle but still prevails in their lives, for their pain and for their hope. watch the interview and you'll understand. it'll break your heart and comfort you all at once.

- i love the song "let it all out" by relient k. beautiful song, lyrics that ring painfully true in my heart. the chorus gets me every time:

You said, "i know that this will hurt,
but if i don't break your heart,
things will just get worse.
if the burden seems too much to bear,
remember, the end will justify the pain it took to get us there."

- i am also loving the song "in the sun" by joseph arthur. i don't know if it's his raspy voice or the lyrics themselves (my favorite line, "may God's love be with you," is repeated over and over) but i just love the way this song makes me feel. i can't even explain it... just listen to it and then maybe what i'm trying to say will make more sense. :) (http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xp7w8_joseph-arthurin-the-sun_music)

let's get this show on the road!

2008-08-05T23:48:00.005-04:00

i have both too much to say and absolutely nothing to write here. does that even make sense? hmm. all i know is that i'm going to be back at taylor in less than 2 weeks which means i have people i need to see at least one last time, things i need to buy/pack/organize/take care of/etc, and a few issues i need to deal with. i am 97% ready to be back at school. the random 3% comes from not wanting go back to being over half an hour away from target, not wanting to go back to DC food, and not necessarily wanting classes to start just yet. but hey, you take the bad with the good. and those "bad" things are well worth the good! :) and now i have a few random thoughts that i can't figure out how to incorporate so i'm just gonna throw them out there:

- i'm obsessed with the show scrubs now. i watched all 6 seasons on DVD in the past 2 weeks and am now anxiously waiting for the 7th season to come out on DVD... and for the 8th season to start in 2009.
- i'm also obsessed with the music from scrubs. i bought both the soundtracks and have already deicded that they will be my homework music this year.
- i got a tattoo a couple weeks ago. i don't know if i mentioned that... but i did. :)
- i'm going to northern ireland on a lighthouse trip this january. it's almost ridiculous how excited i am about this but seeing as how it's a once-in-a-lifetime kind of experience, i'm gonna let it slide.
- i'm going to see hillsong united in concert the night of the first day of classes. irresponsible? maybe. worth it? heck yes! it's gonna be a awesome night with some equally awesome people.
- i only have to do my final project for my online math class and then i am done with math. forever.
- i want to make a list of goals for this year... i want to be constantly challenging myself this year because i know how easily i fall into laziness and contentment when, in reality, i need to be getting off my butt and getting things taken care of. this year is going to be different.
- i'm super excited for this year. i'm going into this year with a really positive attitude and an exciting sense of anticipation because i can tell something is going to happen this year... or maybe even lots of somethings... but this year is definitely gonna be sweet so i'm excited to get it going. :)

i don't know if i'll write again before school starts, seeing as how i have so much to take care of in the 12 days i have left, but we'll see... :)

blinders.

2008-07-22T02:30:00.003-04:00

have you ever seen a horse with blinders on? they make it so that the horse can't see to either side, only straight ahead.

i feel like i've been doing that for a while now. i've been well aware of the issues and emotions i've been needing to work through, knowing they were on both sides of me - waiting to be addressed, wrestled with, talked through, and prayed over. but i've been staring straight ahead. pretending. focusing on the wrong things to keep my mind off the important stuff, the stuff pressing in on me from both sides.

and then today happened... but not before yesterday happened. i feel like God just reached down and ripped the blinders off. i can't pretend those things aren't there anymore because i'm looking at them. i'm surrounded. and its not as melodramatic as i'm making it sound... its just that i can't go on pretending i'm okay when i'm not. there are things i need to work through and apparently now's the time. so much has happened to me in the past year, the past semester and this summer and i've been putting off processing it all. i don't want to cry. i don't want to be smacked in the face with the things i've done wrong (then again, who does?) so i can make amends and learn from my mistakes. basically, i know its going to be hard and i'm a weenie. i'm scared. and i don't feel like i can talk to anyone, at least not about things specifically. at least not right now. mostly because of my lack of trust, but also because i know i need to work these things out with God, not go running to my friends. i mean, if i'm going to do this, i'm going to do this right. all out. hardcore.

go big or go home, i guess.

out of control.

2008-07-20T23:52:00.002-04:00

i'm so frustrated i could scream. i haven't felt this... out of control, i guess... since high school. i'm at that point that i'm so frustrated that i started crying, out of the pure and simple need to have some sort of release.

i'm 20. almost 21. technically, by today's standards, i'm an adult (even if its not what dr. lund says). i'm a "big girl." but the house i live in is not my house. i can't cook when i want, i can't have people over, nothing. i feel like i'm stuck in that high school rut of not having enough freedom. the sad thing is i felt this trapped in high school, before i even got a taste of that freedom that college gives you, so that's how i know things are bad. so i'm done. i sat there, stewing over how ridiculous it is that i can't even live in my own house, and had this revelation.

i cannot live at home again.

sure, being here for christmas break will be necessary, but after that? i'm gone. whether that means getting an internship somewhere else, somewhere far enough away that i can get my own place, or if that means just getting an apartment in the area, next summer will be different. my brother, who just turned 19, moved out just after he turned 18. i'm so jealous its insane. before all this, i was like "i'm going to live at home as long as possible because its free." that made sense then. now, i have to get out or i'm going to go crazy, say things i don't mean, etc.

sigh. life is complicated. but while this seems like a huge deal now, i know its a tiny problem in comparison to many others i could have so i'm trying to just take it one day at a time. all i gotta say is: i'm glad going back to taylor is only 28 days away.

shocking.

2008-07-12T13:08:00.002-04:00

i did it. i sat down and did it. and by "it," i mean my homework. as of now, i no longer have late homework, only homework that i procrastinated on til this week. that might not make sense to anyone else because this class is slightly ridiculous in the way that it is organized but trust me, this is good news. i think the most satisfying part, though, is that i did it by myself. i didn't ask anyone else for help, didn't rely on anyone else... i did it. so, like the title of this post says... shocking. :)

better than nothing.

2008-07-09T00:55:00.005-04:00

so, i just called one of my really good friends out. and in the process, i called myself out. i don't really remember what i said - it wasn't me talking, at all - but i do know that i feel pretty mixed up right now. i'm the kind of person that needs to talk things out; i do my thinking out loud. that means that, right about now, i'm wishing i was sitting in starbucks (or anywhere, really) with a friend, just rehashing everything so i can better process. instead, i'm sitting in my room and listening to teddy geiger while i write here. i guess this is better than nothing.

i let myself fall into something that i knew better than to do. i didn't think and i just went with it and, looking back, it was a mistake. the thing is, i've been learning recently how i seem to learn so much better when i make mistakes myself. apparently, i like to learn the hard way. awesome. i gotta say, though, that when i learn it the hard way on my own, the lesson sticks. it hits harder, hurts more, make more sense and kicks my butt better than learning from someone else can. so, i'm not letting this throw me off. i'm going to learn from this "mistake." i'm going to look at how and why i fell into it and why i fell so easily and without protest. i'm also going to look at how i reacted. i'm going to talk to a few girls i trust, a few girls who i know will call me out in a way that doesn't judge but points me in the right direction. i've been blessed with friends who i can count on to do that for me and now its time to make good use of them. :)

you know those verses in romans where paul is all "i want to do this, but then i don't and i don't want to do this, but then i do it anyway"? (that was some serious paraphrasing, but you get the idea) yeah, i feel like that right now. i want to be motivated and i plan out how i'm going to get my math work done, but then i don't. and i don't want to be lazy and waste my days away doing nothing when i could be taking advantage of all this time to read and learn, but then i'm lazy anyway. i say one thing, then do another. i don't want to become that kind of person who people don't take seriously. i want to be a woman of my word. i want people to know that when i say i'm going to be there, they know i'm going to be there or that if i say i'm going to do something, they know i'll do it. i want people to know they can trust me. and i realize homework is a small thing but i feel like if i can't keep my word when it comes to such a small thing as math homework, how can i hope to be trustworthy when it comes to my relationships with people? i just don't want to be that kind of person.

i think i just feel like this summer my life is on pause. this is the first summer since i was 16 that i haven't had a job. i'm used to working all day (or night) and trying to enjoy the little time i have off. i'm not used to all this free time... and i'm a very poor steward of my time as a result. i have nothing but time and i'm wasting it away. i need structure and plans and i don't have that, which means i have no idea what to do with myself. the days that i have coffee or breakfast dates first thing are the only days that i really get anything done. i have to have a reason to get up in the morning. there are days i have nothing planned and nothing to do so i have a really hard time justifying getting out of bed. i'm not trying to be emo, because i know i have a lot to live for... i just have a hard enough time getting out of bed when i have class or chapel to get to so without those motivators, i'm struggling. i can't keep this up. all i can think of is that i need to grow up. high schoolers waste their time, middle schoolers enjoy their summers by laying around and doing nothing... college kids? we work. we learn. all the time, no summer break. at least, that's what i figure. mm yeah, i'm being a middle schooler. crap. i can't do this after i graduate, so why i am doing it now? aren't i supposed to practicing to be an adult or something?

shoot, i'm old. i gotta act my age, even though i don't look it. :) but mostly i need my butt kicked. hard. is there somewhere i can order that or do i have to just hope God will provide a good butt kicking for his stubborn, lazy, learn-it-the-hard-way daughter? or can i kick my own butt - would that really work? hmm... something to pray about. :)

almost there.

2008-07-04T08:40:00.003-04:00

i've found that even though i'm enjoying my relaxing summer of not working and catching up with old friends, i'm counting down the days til i can go back to taylor. its not that i hate it here or that i'm incredibly unhappy right now... i'm just ready for routine and i'm ready for being in a dorm again (gimme a month into school and i'm sure i'll be whistling another tune haha) and i'm ready to be back with my friends. not that i don't have friends here. hmm. honestly, i don't know if i can explain why i'm ready to be back, i just know that i am.

but until then, i'm going to enjoy my time at home. this saturday i'm going to the john mayer concert with emily, laura and katie. next wednesday i'm going to the teddy geiger concert with emily. the next thursday i'm going to the jason mraz and gavin degraw concert with heather. the next day, ash comes. the next weekend, my mom and i head to chicago and i get to see jess. basically, july is going to fly by. before i know it, its going to be august and i'm going to be getting ready to pick my life up and move it back to upland. and i'm excited! :)

on another note, i have to confess the admiration i have for my friends' self-motivation. if its something i have a passion for, its not hard for me to get going and get it done... but if its something i really hate (like my online math class, for example) i can't get started to save my life. seriously, if i keep this up, i'm in big trouble. i just don't know how to make myself sit down and do it. i'm embarassed to admit this struggle, but i'm pretty desperate at this point. i'm good at putting this in perspective in my head, i'm good at justifying my actions in my head, i'm good at coming up with reasons why i should care in my head... i can just never translate those thoughts and motives to actions. see? i need self-motivation.

hmm. i want to write more but i'm not sure i'm making any sense due to my horrible sunburn which has resulted in nightmares and the inablilty to sleep comfortably so i think i might be babbling... and i'm going to stop myself now. :)

serve.

2008-06-30T13:16:00.003-04:00

i just got back from one of the hardest, most challenging, most fun, best weeks of my life. i spent this past week in muncie, leading a group of 11 middle school and high school kids in various service projects. i spent time with inner city kids, gave out bags full of shampoo and laundry detergent at a soup kitchen, cleaned windows and sorted clothes at muncie mission, helped out with jr. serve at the church and helped put on party in the parking lot. i had to learn how to work with my co-leaders and how to communicate with them and with the kids in my group. i had to figure out the balance between authority and friendship. i had to keep my attitude in check, i had to remember what - and Who - was important. i had to remember that it wasn't about me.

this week confirmed my passions. it showed me that i'm moving in the right direction. i want to spend the rest of my life doing variations of what i did this past week. i want to be pushed outside my comfort zone and i want to be in a position of leadership that will allow me access to girls' lives in a way that could help them and push them and inspire them in a way that no one else could. i want to do youth ministry. this is it for me. i can't imagine doing anything else. this feeling is amazing, knowing how i want to serve God for the rest of my life and knowing that i want to serve girls for the rest of my life. so i guess this means that i know what i want to be when i grow up. :)

the real deal.

2008-06-21T22:30:00.006-04:00

i honestly had no idea it had been so long since my last entry. even when it feels like the summer is crawling by me, i apparently can't find the time to keep this thing updated. hmm, lame. anyway. this past week has been crazy and fun and much needed. i forgot what it felt like to be busy and it was a welcome change of pace, compared to the laid back, borderline boring days i had been enduring. this past week also made me an intern. a real one. before, i felt a little like a glorified volunteer, just showing up at events and meeting a few new kids each time so my heart wasn't as in it as i would have liked it to be. now, as a result of someone totally calling me out on my attitude and this awesome week combined, i feel connected. i've made lots of friends. basically, i love it. and that might be an understatement. :)

this past monday we had a huge slumber party for the girls of the youth group. we ate pizza, had a session, had an ice cream sundae building contest, and then talked and laughed until late. by the time i left the next day, i knew almsot all of those girls' names and felt significantly closer to the girls that i had gone in knowing. then, yesterday, a huge group of us (enough to fill a bus and then some) from the youth group went to the creation museum. it was a 2 hour ride, there and back, which left plenty of time to take crazy pictures and just joke around and enjoy being together. the museum itself was awesome, it was just really crowded with other large groups and families so it was hard to really take it all in. i'd like to go back some other time and be really intentional about reading everything because it was so interesting. so we spent the majority of the day there, and after leaving church that morning around 8am, we got back around 7pm that night. throughout the day i had invited some girls over to watch the new disney channel movie, camp rock (i'm seriously a 13-year-old girl on the inside). we ate pizza and talked about how good looking the jonas brothers are and made fun of the movie while not-so-secretly loving it. i spent all day with these girls and when it was time for then to leave, i realized i could have spend more time with them. i haven't enjoyed myself that much since i was back at taylor. :)

so, tomorrow i leave to help out with SERVE at oneighty in muncie for the next week. well, technically, tomorrow night is only the kick-off and i have to be back monday morning (at 7am!) to start the actual week. basically, its a huge group of kids broken into teams (i'll be a team co-leader) and those teams do various service projects around muncie, monday-friday. my team is working at a community center, doing backyard bible clubs and having block parties. it's gonna be a good time. :) if you guys could be praying for the kids (their work ethic, their relationships/lackthereof with God, their realtionships with each other and me), for me (my attitude, my patience, being open to what God will do in this week) and this week (for the people we'll interact with and that they'll see Christ in us, for the kids and leaders to be flexible with the schedule to allow for God to move), that would be amazing and really appreciated! :)

so, there's a good chance this won't be updated again for a while, but i'll do my best!

listen up.

2008-05-30T23:42:00.007-04:00

this didn't start out as a music post but that's what it turned into. here are a few songs that have caught my attention recently, just wanted to share the wealth. :)

1. switchfoot, "this is home"
new song from them, written and recorded for prince caspian. at first it was the music that got me listening but the lyrics are what got to my heart, meeting me right where i am right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w113DMTpAec

2. regina spektor, "the call"
also recorded a song for the new chronicles of narnia soundtrack called. her voice is beautiful, obviously, and the words are simple but powerful and... yeah, i don't think i need to give any more reasons.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNsQewlFtEs

3. justin nozuka, "after tonight"
he's like 18-years-old, is from canada, has a beautiful voice and plays the guitar like a young john mayber. pretty much anything from his debut cd is great but i love this song extra.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgGkJez6pcM

4. tenth avenue north, "love is here"
i can't remember how i found these guys but they're this christian band from florida and i really like their sound. the music sounds vaguely like a mellow hillsong song with a super talented lead singer. bonus: their other songs actually sound different, instead of those cds where it feels like every song is the same... because it is. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hGGanAZ2IwM

apathetic way to be.

2008-05-29T01:03:00.004-04:00

coming home is hard.

well, let me qualify that statement. coming home to fishers is hard. fishers holds a lot of memories for me - almost 11 years worth of memories to be exact. this is my twelfth summer here and probably the most haunting by far. who i was in middle school, junior high and, most importantly, in high school follows me everywhere i go. as far as everyone here is concerned, i'm still high school liz. i'm still the sullen, fiery, argumentative, unpredictable and rude girl that graduated in 2006. to them, i'm frozen like that. they assume i am still the same. they assume that i am still as unhappy as i was 3 years ago. they assume that i will still jump down their throats or burst into tears at the drop of a hat. they assume.

i'm not that girl anymore. i was talking to my best friend since 5th grade, megan, tonight and was talking about how i am a completely different person now. literally, a different person. i am happy with who i am, content with my life and the people in it. i am confident. i feel loved. i like myself (most of the time). it has taken me these past 3 years to shake who i was then - and i have succeeded after experiencing two glorious years of being able to start over and try again - but people here aren't willing to give me a second chance. the people who put up with me are still here and the people who met me after the fact are here but that's it. everyone else decided i wasn't worth the effort. and that's fine, because i've found people who think i am.

this realization just makes me appreciate taylor more. i appreciate that i had the opportunity to come and try out high school liz for a little longer, just on a new audience, and learn that it still wasn't any good. i then got a chance to come back, but as a different person this time, and then alter and adjust from there. i found people who accept me but challenge me and who love me but push me. they think i'm worth the effort. i found people who make me want to be me.

i miss being me. i don't think i know how to be me here, in fishers. it's easy to just slip back into high school liz when i'm at home because that's what's expected of me. there's enough fight left in me to not completely regress, but without support from my amazing friends, i find it hard to fight it off completely. instead, i've just reached this point of indifference, to where i've become apathetic. i've kind of shut down socially and emotionally - being borderline anti-social, even with myself - by staying home and reading and watching movies. i avoid seeing people, unless they approach me first. this isn't me. i struggle with these tendencies at school but my friends won't leave me alone (and i love them for it). before i can slip completely into a state of not caring about anything or anyone, someone texts me or calls me or comes to my room. there are rare times when i'm allowed to wallow in my apathy but it never lasts for long. and that's healthy. this, what i'm doing now, is not. i hate it. but i feel like i have no control over it... and instead of dwelling on that feeling, i choose to, once again, be apathetic.

i'm not sure what the point of this post was... i guess i just needed to get all of these thoughts out of my head and written out so i can mull them over some more. these are just some of the conclusions i've come to the past couple days and i'm hoping maybe i'll figure out a way to "cure" my apathy before i completely waste my summer...

upside down.

2008-05-17T23:29:00.003-04:00

i've gone to dunkin' donuts every day since i've been home for coffee. i've eaten 6 meals that were NOT from the DC. i've seen my friend megan who has been in new york all year and i've spent lots of time with my friend katie who goes to my old high school. i've put off unpacking. i've ordered my text book for my class that i'm taking on BlackBoard and i've told myself that as soon as that book comes in the mail, i'm going to start working on homework. i haven't seen my brother yet. i haven't seen my friend breanne who has been in virginia all year yet. i haven't been intentional about my quiet time AT ALL. i haven't started my internship yet. i did my laundry... well, half of it.

life is upside down now that i'm home. it is upside down and full of people i haven't seen in forever, which is both comforting and unnerving. i don't necessarily feel sad or excited or anything... i feel surprisingly numb. i don't know if its because if i let myself feel things i'm going to explode from everything that's going on inside of me or just because it would just be too hard to feel it all. so for now, i'm floating along, just wondering how long it will take for me to begin to sink...

in limbo.

2008-05-15T22:26:00.003-04:00

i'm home. officially on summer break. done with my sophomore year of college.

oh. my. word.

when did i get old? wow. i feel more like a junior in HIGH SCHOOL that a junior in college. obviously, this is going to take some adjusting to. maybe if i unpack my life i'll feel better. right now, everything is sitting in random bags and boxes on the floor of my room - there is no where to talk - and i feel just as in limbo as my belongings do. i was going to save my unpacking for tomorrow but for some reason, i'm feeling pretty motivated right now so i think i'm going to capitalize on that.

it hasn't hit me that i won't see my best friends for 3 months. it hasn't hit me that when i hugged them goodbye it was actually for goodbye and not just until the next day of class. ahh weird. i mean, i know it in my head but i don't feel it yet. so now its just a matter of time until i freak out. :) but for now... i'm going to go use my motivation to my advantage!

home sweet zondervan.

2008-05-07T09:47:00.002-04:00

i spent roughly 10 hours in the library yesterday. em and i got there at 10 in the morning and staked out a room that we would basically move into and then just come and go from for the rest of the day. i think i was the most productive i've ever been in my entire college career in that one day. i did french homework, wrote an 8 page paper and took care of a bunch of o-group stuff. but the best part was who i was with. all day long, different friends came in to either say hi or work alongside me. i don't know that i was alone once - and if i was, it wasn't for long. sometimes music was playing out in the open, sometimes it was so quiet you could hear the person across the table from you breathing. sometimes people were talking and sometimes it was like the person next to you didn't even know you were there. it was great - fellowship in a different form, a comfortable form that shows how our friendship has transformed over the past semester, or even the past month really.

i'm not ready to leave them. don't get me wrong, i love my friends at home and there a few people that i cannot wait to spend time with (meg, lauren, katie, sarah and brea), but i can't help but think that in order to have time with those amazing people i have to leave some equally amazing people behind. these are my best friends, they've seen me grow and they've seen me fall apart. they include me, love me, tease me, encourage me, hug me and look out for me. i can remember what my life was before them and i'm not gonna lie, i'm not looking forward to going back to that for the summer.

but i'll survive. and i'll randomly see some of them this summer by driving up to west lafayette and going back to taylor and even when i go see john mayer in concert. :) and for the most part, we're all coming back a week early so i know i'll have some time with them before we're back in the swing of school. its true, i know all of this - but it doesn't make things any easier. especially when one of my best friends is going to be in california... lucky girl for sure, but she'll be too far away to visit. wow. its weird to think that a week from tomorrow, i'll be home. alone. i have to make this next week count.

the beginning of the end.

2008-05-04T16:33:00.002-04:00

summer is quickly approaching. in 11 shorts days, i have to leave taylor. i have to leave my closest friends. i have to leave the campus that has been my home for the past 8 months of my life in order to return to my "real" home. but leaving is bittersweet because once i get home, i get to start my internship at castleview. i get to work under a woman that i respect and admire. i get to experience what i'm going to spend the rest of my life doing and that is incredibly exciting. it's all about give and take... i'm just not quite ready to give.

i'm sitting in the union with emily after spending the entire weekend essentially working on homework. sure, we took a few breaks in between the many hours we spent in the library but mostly we've been productive. it's shocking, really. very out of character for me to be motivated, let alone act on it. multiple times. during a WEEKEND. at this point, all i have is a huge french assignment and a paper to write for wednesday and i'm pretty much free, aside from a few other random things that i'll need to take care of before exams.

and then i take 5 exams and i'm done. free. and then i have to leave. so i'm back where i started, trying to get things done but also trying to enjoy being here, making memories and preparing myself to miss these amazing people for over 3 months. i'm so lucky that i have people to miss when i go home. :)